Your child is not YOU.

 

The purpose of this article is to bring awareness to all parents to be mindful of how they treat their children. I'm writing this not as a parent but as a child who was once not allowed to be herself.

Some information from this article may not be in favor of your own beliefs as a parent. I respect that, and I have no intention to change any belief here but to just share mine. You may take whatever resonates with you or you may just leave everything here. Before I start this article, I would like to thank you for your interest in reading this.

They always say that being a parent will change your entire perspective in life. That's absolutely true and I can attest to that. Ever wonder why? That's not because you are required to be a better person for your little one. It is because our little one is actually teaching us to be connected with our own authentic selves more than ever. It comes naturally to us because, in reality, our children are actually teaching us.

  We are learning from them.

A good example of this scenario is when my daughter accidentally peed on the floor of our bathroom. I was upset because I just finished cleaning the bathroom at that time. She immediately noticed that I was not happy with what she did and she said, "That's okay, you can just clean it again".

When we were young, we were not allowed to say something when our parents are already mad for what we did. Even if the action wasn't really intentionally done. But, when I heard what my daughter told me, instead of getting mad, I suddenly felt embarrassed with how I reacted and told her that she was right, that I could clean that specific area again. I also explained that I just felt tired which is why I got upset.

Oftentimes, parents believe that they need to teach children this and that. They need to guide their child to be a better member of society. That's true. But this belief can actually become toxic if it is done without healing as a parent.

What does it mean?

Since we believe that we need to be better parents, we forget the uniqueness of every individual, especially our child. We are training them to be just like us or become the better version of who we are. There are also times when we are shaping our children in a way that society will value them instead of teaching society to value their individuality.

Thus, this is causing stress and depression on some children for they are not allowed to express themselves. There are also children whom society labels as rebels, when in fact these children are just being authentic.

If you step back and observe, you will see that most parents are molding their children to be someone they wish they were. Why? Because as a child, they were also not allowed to be themselves. Thus, they are unconsciously repeating that cycle to their offspring thinking that it is the better approach. They do not realize that in reality, they are creating another damaged child, another damaged version of themselves for not allowing their children to just be.

An example of this is parents who like to see their children receive good grades at school. When they were young, their parents were always upset because they did not have good grades or good grades is what their parents wanted that they weren't able to give. Thus, when they become a parent, they become their parents too with the same expectations and frustration about things. What they don't realize and could have asked themselves, is this: "What are the things that my parents could have done better that I wished I was able to experience or feel?"

When I was young, I was a jolly kid. I used to be the clown of the family because I loved seeing my parents/family laughing at all the weird stuff that I was doing. However, when I was still doing it when I was a teenager, my parents became upset. They told me to act my age, not to be funny, and to be serious. I should not be doing silly stuff because if people see me that way, they might not take me seriously. There was also this instance when they asked me if I was normal.

That small piece of advice really hit me.

Maybe I am not normal?

Maybe there is something wrong with me trying to be funny all the time?

So, I decided to change who I was and wear a mask to fit in.

I was labeled by my own parents, so I need to label myself too as a way to cope.

I don't know how did it happen, but I started to take life so seriously. I don't have time to laugh, to make friends, to be funny just like before. I suddenly embraced a different version of myself so that I could finally show my parents that I could also be serious in life.

That mindset, that mask, helped me to finally be able to give my parents good grades, certificates, and medals. I was able to achieve a lot even after school. I was able to bring this version of myself when I started to work in a corporation. Though this helped me a lot to climb a ladder, this actually took who I am. The real me.

Then, without me knowing, I became a People Pleaser.

I thought it was the real me who was always available for people. The kind-hearted girl who can't say no to anyone even if she can no longer handle the stress. Do you know what's the worst part that I wasn't aware of? When you are a people pleaser you are actually setting yourself aside just to give.

The root cause?

Because I didn't feel worthy.

Because the authentic self that I showed before is the version of me that wasn't good enough for my parents. Thus, I did everything to meet their expectation, especially when they part ways, I always have this feeling of "I'll do this for you." Since I'm on autopilot by my own pain (which I am not aware of), this same thinking drove the entire 15-18 years of my life. I have this thought to give and give so that people will appreciate me.

This year, I was able to realize this part of me and shed it little by little through shadow work. The book of Eckhart Tolle which is "The Power of Now", made me realize all of this. Believe me, I cried so hard after seeing all the things that I did to myself.

I don't blame my parents though for this. I need to understand that they are on autopilot too by their own pain which they are not aware of. Since I'm aware of this, what I can do is to cut the cycle.

As a parent, does this sound familiar to you? Are you following the standards set by society in raising your child? How many times did you stop your child from doing the things they love to do? How many times did you try to change your child's personality to "fit in" in society? And, how many times did you ask the inner child in you about the things that you wish your parents could have done to you?

Think about it for a moment.

Imagine why this world is in chaos today? Because all human beings walking on this planet are actually wounded. All adults actually have this inner child that was set aside. They are all on autopilot to fit in society. So, choose to be kind.

After reading this article, I hope you can listen more to your child. Allow yourself to learn from them while guiding them. But most importantly, I hope you can start listening to the inner child in you. That child in you who knows the real you, your hopes and dreams. Embrace him, and acknowledge him.

And to end this article, I will leave these lyrics from the song, "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston:

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be

 

Give your child the love and acceptance they deserve without the noise of society.

Give yourself the love that you never received.

I love you, and I'm looking forward to the healed version of you.

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